Wednesday, June 18, 2008

SAMUEL SINGER BECOMES YOUNGEST BRACELET WINNER


Day 20...

Annette who? Jeff what? Steve Billa walla bing bang? Forget all of those old fogies, because there’s a new kid in town. At the tender age of one day, Samuel Singer has become the World Series of Poker’s youngest bracelet winner by taking down Event 25½’s $50,000 Crazy Pineapple Jokers Wild 2-7 Lowball High-Low-Middle rebuy event.

To prepare his offspring for battle, proud father David Singer employed the services of one of the game’s greatest ‘buy a bracelet’ specialists, Daniel Negreanu. Utilising years of spending experience, Kid Poker armed the rookie’s diapers with 100 billion dollars and urged him to keep calling for rebuys until he had every tournament chip in the casino.

Heeding the advice of his one man coaching team, Samuel Singer hit the rebuy button a record 1,239 times until he had bought himself the chip lead. Although the rebuy period was drawing to a close, the mammoth 12 man field had already been bisected in half leaving us with our final table of six:

Seat 1: Samuel Singer
Seat 2: Scotty Nguyen
Seat 3: Annie Duke
Seat 4: Phil Ivey
Seat 5: Gus Hansen
Seat 6: JC Tran

At this point, one may wonder how a young upstart playing in his first live event would be able to topple a line-up of such calibre without the cushion of a rebuy, but Singer Snr had recently watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and had a few tricks up his sleeve.

The first evidence of these tactics emerged when David reeled in a giant industrial magnet. Nobody knew what was happening, but when Scotty’s medallions started to quiver it all became clear. In the space of a few seconds, Scotty was sent hurtling towards the magnet like a jet propelled whippet, his face wobbling relentlessly as the G force took control.

As Annie Duke gulped nervously, little did she know that she would be next to face the Singer wrath. As quick thinking as ever, Singer grabbed a TV camera from a member of crew and entered the stage area. As soon as she spotted the glint of the lens, Duke was hypnotised, and Singer was able to lure her out of the cardroom with the ease of a champion snake charmer.

With Duke gone, her next door neighbour would soon follow, Phil Ivey leaping from his seat like an epileptic salmon as Singer turned on ESPN on the plasma screen. Apparently, Ivey had five squillion dollars riding on the Hell Bay Bakers winning the world tiddly winks playoff finals with another five on Tobey Dryant being top scorer. Ivey just couldn’t take his eyes off the big game, and his stack was eventually blinded away.

With three remaining, Singer needed a way to rid the table of Gus Hansen, a danger in any game. However, this was to prove an easy task, Singer rounding up the Milwaukee Best Light girls and having them parade around the corridors in their short denim skirts. Like a shark detects blood, Hansen’s nostrils started to flare as he was alerted to the teenage norkage loitering outside and within seconds the Great Dane was gone.

Heads up and it was Samuel Singer being pitted against one of today’s greatest players in JC Tran. Samuel Singer turned to his father for assistance, but pops was helpless. There was nothing on Tran, no weaknesses to prey on, no nothing – he didn’t even like tiddly winks!

Then, out of the blue, it dawned on him, and like a seasoned war veteran, Singer began to concoct his cunning plan. Pulling out his mobile, Singer scrolled down his list of contacts, scoured through the twenty Nguyens before reaching JC Tran’s name.

After being given the nod by his father, Samuel Singer proceeded to move all in until he was eventually called by Tran. Whilst Samuel could only muster 7-2 off, Tran had him by the short and curlies with pocket rockets.

Out came the A-A-K flop. Tran had flopped quads. The bracelet is his!

“Ring! Ring!” sounded Tran’s phone at the feature table. Tran pulled his out his mobile and turned it off.

The deuce turn did nothing but rub salt in already open Samuel Singer wounds. As Tran went to shake his opponent’s mitten, the dealer reached for the academic river…

“STOP!!!” exclaimed Singer. The dealer’s hand froze, the river card loitering in mid-air. “Tran touched his phone. His hand should be dead!” he continued. “If his hand isn’t declared dead, I shall boycott this event and tell all my friends that Harrah’s are poopy heads.”

As Jeffrey Pollack blew the dust off the rules book and flicked through both pages, it was announced that although he thought Singer was angle-shooting, he couldn’t possibly handle a reputation as a poopy head, so consequently declared Tran’s hand dead.

Tran was livid, and demanded to be bought back into the event tomorrow. The Singers, meanwhile, celebrated in front of the spotlight as the first ever father and underage son bracelet winners, Singer raising his baby boy aloft and even shedding a tear of joy as Tran was forced to exit the stage.

We had our winner, Samuel Singer, the latest big name player to don one of those sparkling gold bracelets which will be appearing on ebay in the very near future. Young padawan, may I tip my proverbial bonnet to you.

2 Comments:

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Ukgatsby said...

haha
quality

 
At 3:40 AM, Blogger Shirley said...

Very funny.. The baby is cute.. I like that bracelet also.

 

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