Sunday, December 17, 2006


Warning: Don't read on if you have a particular dislike for live sex shows, drugs, big willies, obscene art and midget swimming pools

A Dam Fine Choice

Over the last 12 months I have been fortunate enough to tour the world with blondepoker as one of their illustrious (?) updaters. Along the way, I have graced (??) the likes of Copenhagen, Las Vegas, Monte Carlo and Bolton (Huh?) with my presence. However, although I am grateful for such opportunities, these actual trips have been specifically work based. It is therefore with great pleasure that I found a spare five days to take a brief break with my other (and ultimately inferior ) half, danafish.

The destination? Amsterdam. I've been before but after the recent Amsterdam Classics, I felt the urge to return to the Dutch capital to enjoy some of the finer things in life...

My apologies in advance for the potentially tedious slide show that accompanies my tales of sex, drugs and no poker, but here's a piccy of Dana in the airport, not too happy with the early morning start and later not particularly chuffed by the 'fresh butt' caption.

Hooters Already?

Probably not the 'Hooters' you were hoping for, but here's yours truly underneath our hotel making hooting noises (it was hilarious, you had to be there Roll Eyes).

Inside the hotel was the smallest lift in the world - at one point we thought we might have to send our bags up first! As well as being the smallest (the words phone and booth spring to mind), it was also the slowest. Dana and I could have had sexy time before the first floor, although that's not particularly impressive given my current times.

What was also slightly creepy about the place was the fact that every time you walked passed the reception desk, there was a new receptionist. Jen didn't believe me from the Master Classics, and Dana kept saying, "Nah, that guy was there earlier" (even though it was a girl!), but I'm sure I saw about 10 different receptionists within our 4 night stay. Is that normal??

Oh, and before I forget, there was also a midget swimming pool a few yards away. Here I am taking a rather dangerous dive into the pool. Quick question? Does anyone need steps into a pool that shallow??

Stoned To Death

Okay, time to stop messing around. Onto the sex and drugs. First, the silly cigs.

The first time I ever ventured into the Dam, I was the rather impressionable age of 20 and with 'the lads'. Of course, the legal whacky backy was something I had to try, and 'Rookies' was the first place we stumbled into. Well, being a nostalgic Beagle, I couldn't help but retrace those steps and wander back in with Dana.

To be honest, not much had changed, but it didn't need to. Gently lit within, the 'coffeeshop', as it is covertly referred to, doesn't look like a den of inequity from up front, but waltz through those wooden doors and you'll witness an array of folk looking beady eyed and somewhat relaxed. And what a mixture too - men/women, old young, human/animal (yes, I even witnessed a dog getting high from the fumes), it really is an approachable place and, except for being wary of pick-pockets taking advantage of the drugged up tourists, you should feel pretty safe.

I couldn't help but say to Dana, "It's a little big smoky in here, shall we go somewhere else?" or asking the bartender for a non-smoking table, but then again, I don't like to pull punches when it comes to shoddy gags.

What has always struck me as incredible is the menu. Handed over to us by the barman (who looked fresher than anyone in there), the laminated list presented us with a variety of options, all of which were accompanied by a description (such as 'chilled', 'sweet' or 'wild') and an Empire-esque rating system. Oddly, we went for the one that was rated 5 star (or weed emblems).

If I had one complaint, it would be the lack of sofas. For somewhere in which relaxation is a top priority, it seemed strange that all the seats were barstools. Trying to balance on one of those things is not something I fancy doing when I'm sky high.

Nevertheless, we were soon more relaxed than when we entered and were quickly interspersed in an array of pointless conversations, two of which were, "Is there such a thing as bestiality-necrophilia?" and "Is a small midget a midget midget?" - Don't ask.

Here's Dana enjoying her 'herbal medicine'...


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