Monday, February 13, 2006


To all my readers, hello to the both of you.

Before I say anything, my apologies. It's been over a week since my last entry and the last thing I wanted for this blog was to see it start stalling. I've just endured a heavy ten days, firstly in Cardiff, and then Deuaville for the French Open. It was a tiring, but exciting week and a half, so I feel obliged to write a brief encount of my experiences and post something up in here.

Bottom line... watch this space.

For now, here's something I wrote a while ago. It rang a bell recently when I was chatting with a good friend of mine about the fibbing that goes on in casinos. If you dig deep enough, you'll find that the cardroom is floating on a sea of lies. Whether it's your best bud or your worst enemy, you'll hear them lying through their teeth at some point or another. "Good fold there. I had you dominated," "I had an ace", "I almost called", etc, etc. You get the idea.

The Legend of the Poker Translator:

A few months ago at the Gala, I was sitting at the bar when a mysterious cloaked man approached me.

'Wanna be amazed?' he asked quietly. He held out his hand to reveal a small gadget resting in his palm. 'This is the Poker Translator,' he proclaimed, 'and it will translate any gibberish that comes out of your opponents' mouths.'

'Poppycock!' I exclaimed.

The man looked at me menacingly. 'I urge you to give it a go. You will not be dissatisfied.'

After initially brushing him aside as nothing more than a madman, I succumbed to the man's persuasive nature and decided to pop in one of the earpieces. He directed me towards a couple of old geezers emerged in conversation, and this is what I heard:

Old Geezer #1: 'How's your luck been recently?'

Old Geezer #2: 'My luck has been fine, it's my play that's been dismal. I'm an incredibly poor player who has been in denial for the last 40 years.'

Old Geezer #1: 'Me too. Admittedly, I get the odd bad beat, but no more than anyone else.'

Old Geezer #2: 'I had aces cracked last night.'

Old Geezer #1: 'Oh that is unlucky.'

Old Geezer #2: 'Not particularly. I slowplayed them and got caught with my pants down. I deserved everything I got.'

I'd heard enough. I removed the ear-piece and dipped into my wallet. However, to my surprise, the man had mysteriously vanished, leaving his poker translator behind.

At this point, I decided to set out on a field trip, visiting various poker casinos and trying to find out what my new found possession could do. Looking forward to what secrets I might unearth, I embarked on a voyage of poker discovery. These are some of my most frequent findings:

1. You were ahead anyway. = I had the best hand but I'm too ashamed to admit that I was outplayed and bluffed off the pot.

2. I had to call. = I didn't have to call at all and should have folded.

3.I know I'm behind but... = I haven't got a clue where I stand, but I don't like folding, so...

4. I was pot committed. = I can't find any other excuse for making that shoddy call.

5. Sorry. = I'm glad I won and I hope I take more of your lovely chips in the future.

6. I broke even for the day. = I'm down for the day.

7. I'm up for the day. = I broke even for the day.

8. I'm a few quid down for the day. = I've just lost my house, car, wife and the shirt off my back.

9. I'll pay you back when I can. = I'll put you in my will.

10. I had a read on him. = I guessed and got lucky. I couldn?t read a book.

11. Shall we do a saver for 11th? = Please have mercy. I'm in 11th position and have had 10 rebuys.

12. Good fold. = Thank God you folded.

13. Sorry, I didn't realise the blinds had gone up. = Darn, I thought no-one had noticed that the blinds had gone up.

14. Good luck all. = I hope you all suffer a horrific run of cards.

15. I'll let you have it this time. = I had no intention of calling and you'll probably be able to take the pot off me again next time.

16. Just one more hand. = I'll finish when the casino kicks me out.

17. New deck, please. = I am on a bad run and my last hope is that the cardroom manager brings over a magic deck that deals me the nuts every hand.

18. I'll be back as soon as I exit the comp, love. = If I go out early, I'm either heading straight to the cash game, or straight to the bar.

19. I'm quitting poker! = Same time tomorrow, boys?

20. Tikay: Im in my 40s

At this point the poker translator just went crazy, caught fire and exploded. Just one too many lies I guess.

Has anyone else come across this gadget? What giblets of information did you find?

By the way, the mysterious man looked a little like Julian Thew. Hmm. Would explain his quiet demeanour at the table and how he always manages to get our chips.


At 4:14 PM, Blogger Nemesis said...



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