(23) GUS HANSEN'S TRANSEXUAL MOTHER

The hardest part of this challenge has been juggling playing online with my other responsibilities as a poker journalist and boyfriend, there just aren't enough hours in the day and if I focus too much time on one, I end up neglecting the other. With my work, this isn't the end of the world, but when it's my role as boyfriend it can not only cause problems, but also result in a poor performance at the tables.

Having to live up to expectations is new to me. I'd become accustomed to playing when I wanted, as often as I wanted without having to worry about anyone else, but now I don't have that option and so must balance my non-poker duties more effectively. I've never really had to care for anyone else but myself before, so it's hard to change sometimes.

I still suffer from mood swings depending on my results. I think because I lost so much yesterday and have a multitude of bills to pay have added to the stress. If I was rich and lost $2.5k, I wouldn't care, I'd look at the overall picture, but it makes a difference when the money is part of your survival, which is why I so vastly admire those who grind out a living playing this game.

Today in particular I realised that even though I was maintaining a healthy lifestyle, my emotional relationship with my girlfriend was in danger of deteriorating, both because of the time I was spending online (both work and play) and my downbeat mood after losing.

Today was split into two sessions: pre-argument and post-argument. This morning I felt I played well, but suffered two nasty coolers and ended up losing $400. Also, I felt the standard play was stronger today, so I’m not sure if playing during the day on a Sunday is a wise move.

In the evening, I played a better game and was free from the concerns of my relationship, but still only managed a $50 profit leaving with me with a $350 loss for the week. This game keeps knocking me down, but I’ll just have to get back up again.

I came across this drunk guy today. He overbet all his hands with pretty much any two cards, and prior to my realising that something was amiss, managed to fluke $200 off me. I then doubled up when he bet $88 into a $22 pot and an A-J-Q-J-K board. I pushed all-in for $450 with K-J and he called with T-2. At this point I got rather excited and started chatting with him in the chatbox in order to keep him happy. I didn't get much more out of him after that, but we did enjoy the most bizarre exchange of dialogue I've encountered thus far. I have of course changed the monikers to something more suitable. Finally, it should be noted that this is condensed chat. Mr Reed folded one hand after saying he would make it $50, so I felt justified in my final move.

Mr Reed inexplicably moves all-in for $750…

Oliver Reed: ops missclick
Barman Beagle: lol
Barman Beagle: what did u have
Oliver Reed: had t8o
Oliver Reed: lol
Oliver Reed: wops
And then it all becomes clear…

Oliver Reed: im drunk didt saw pair lool
Our Barman Beagle suddenly seems more interested in chatting…

Barman Beagle: lucky river
Barman Beagle: for me
Barman Beagle: where r u from?
Oliver Reed: for me too i though lol
Oliver Reed: Europe

Blimey, I think I’ve been there…

Oliver Reed: u
Barman Beagle: uk
Barman Beagle: u english?
Oliver Reed: no
Barman Beagle: not welsh?
Oliver Reed: 1 i know now im drunk lol
Barman Beagle: france?
Oliver Reed: ugadabugada

Oh yes, of course, ugadabugada, that was my next guess.

Barman Beagle: ah - nice country
Barman Beagle: went there last week
Oliver Reed: y pretty sick
Oliver Reed: im gus mother
Oliver Reed: so sick isnt it
Barman Beagle: Gus Hansen?
Oliver Reed: ofc
Oliver Reed: hes a fish i learn him

Haven’t we all, in fact I learned him just last week.

Barman Beagle: he lives in monte carlo
Barman Beagle: although danish i think
Oliver Reed: hes from mozambik
Oliver Reed: i bring him

No, no, I don’t want to play Gus, I want to play you, my new best friend.

Barman Beagle: yes, the Danish region
Oliver Reed: he didnt know whos his father to now
Barman Beagle: what do you mean?
Oliver Reed: i am bluffing him all life
Oliver Reed: and my husband too lol
Barman Beagle: you mean you are his father and you haven't told him?
Oliver Reed: anyway
Barman Beagle: like in Star Wars

I knew Gus had his secrets, but imagine how big the 2+2 thread would be once this gets out. 50 pages I reckon!

Oliver Reed: im his mother
Barman Beagle: u can't be both
Oliver Reed: was father then i changed sex

100 pages!

Barman Beagle: fair enough
Oliver Reed: and invitro
Barman Beagle: you kinda look male still tho
Barman Beagle: with the suit and everything
Oliver Reed: strings

Sorry?

Oliver Reed: only now
Barman Beagle: what strings?
Oliver Reed: striing bikini

Of course.

Oliver Reed: winy winny string bikini

Nurse!

Oliver Reed: gimme another beer 1 sec

Wait there, let me hold open the fridge door for you.

Oliver Reed: ok lets go 50 in the dark next hand preflop then check to the end?

Er...

Barman Beagle: how do i know you'll check though?
Oliver Reed: u in?
Oliver Reed: i will
Oliver Reed: i promise
Barman Beagle: but i don't know you

Mr Reed has been overbetting every hand with random cards and all the time we’ve been chatting I’ve been dealt the worst run of cards I’ve ever experienced as he continues to make it 30 or so dollars pre-flop every hand with blinds of $2/4. However, on this occasion, although suspicious, I have an Ace and am in position so decide to see what happens. I also want to keep him happy so he doesn’t bugger off.

Barman Beagle: Okay, why not.

Mr Reed proceeds to flop the nut straight with 7-5 and, as was his word, checks it down.

Oliver Reed: so sick
Barman Beagle: nh
Oliver Reed: ty
Barman Beagle: so sick that u flopped str8
Oliver Reed: ok next hand 100 pre flop check to the end?

Crikey, now this is getting expensive.

Oliver Reed: next hand 100?
Barman Beagle: 100 is a lot
Barman Beagle: 50?
Oliver Reed: ok

In the small blind I find a good hand again and type $50 in the raise box, confident that he will call with any two and check it down because… well, he’s insane.

Oliver Reed: 50 not 52 The bet came out as 52, and he folded! Talk about nit-picking.

Barman Beagle: fold?
Barman Beagle: lol
Oliver Reed: next or now?
Barman Beagle: don't mind
Oliver Reed: lets next then

Here we go again, this time he flops the third nut flush with J-Ts and, again, checks it down. This is bizarre.

Oliver Reed: so sick:)
Barman Beagle: wow
Barman Beagle: incredible
Oliver Reed: lady luck
Barman Beagle: weird
Oliver Reed: if u wanna try my nut again just say when

I beg your pardon?

Barman Beagle: what do u mean?
Oliver Reed: 50 again next hand ?

Look, I just want your money!

Oliver Reed: i guess ill have nuts on flop again

I agree to this $50 game, realising that it’s a coinflip, but will at least keep him at the table. Frustratingly, he makes the nut flush, although he did have to wait till the Turn this time.

Oliver Reed: on turn now

Barman Beagle: oh my god Hopefully now this silly game is behind us and I can just take his money by waiting for a hand.

Oliver Reed: lets go every hand?
Oliver Reed: 5 in a row?

Argh!!!

Barman Beagle: brilliant
Oliver Reed: cmon
Barman Beagle: u keep winning

Naturally, I decide that raising to $50 each hand and checking it down isn’t particularly +ev.

Oliver Reed: why u folded
Oliver Reed: no more?
Barman Beagle: can't do em every hand
Barman Beagle: I quite like normal play
Barman Beagle: lol
Oliver Reed: no more 50 u mean?
Barman Beagle: why not just 20 every hand?
Oliver Reed: booring

Hey, I’m scintillating! You have the advantage of being pissed.

Oliver Reed: ok im leaving say how much for the end u can get
back all my 50s

Nooooo. Please stay. You are Gus Hansen’s transsexual sole parent. I believe you!

Barman Beagle: how do you mean?
Oliver Reed: how much for the last next hand im leaving
Barman Beagle: 20?
Oliver Reed: ok
Oliver Reed: real last

Queens!!! Right, what the hell do I do here, do I stay true to my word and check it down? Nahhhh.

Oliver Reed: wtf

Let’s re-raise all-in.

Barman Beagle: gambling
Oliver Reed: ffs
Oliver Reed: bye

Bugger!

biggest pot won: $906.00
biggest pot lost: $400.00
time at the table: 6hr 13 min

profit = - $356.70
blonde poker account = $3,785.50
$1,214.50 before the taxman goes away

Days played = 23
total time played = 75 hrs 51 mins
total rake earned = $860.85

current $ per hour = $32.77
current $ per day = $108.07