(9) THE TRUTH ABOUT LEMMINGS

Dictionary.com definition: "Any of various small, mouselike rodents of the genera Lemmus, Myopus, and Dicrostonyx, of far northern regions, as L. lemmus, of Norway, Sweden, etc., noted for periodic mass migrations that sometimes result in mass drownings."

The true definition...

Don't always believe what you read, folks. Lemmings come in many shapes and sizes and originate from a variety of countries from across the globe. Most importantly, however, they don't migrate. In fact, they stay just where they are, boot up the laptop and play some heads-up poker. How do I know? Well, I stumbled upond a litter (that's the collective name, I hope) of lemmings yesterday afternoon, and boy, were they in suicidal mood.

I believe I played well - focused, patient and prudent. However, I couldn't have done it without the lemmings. I don't think lemmings have to pay tax these days, so I thank them wholeheartedly for their sympathetic gesture and $870.79 contribution, thus ensuring that 2007 finished in style for one wet-nosed Beagle.

Seeing that it's New Year, a time of celebration, I'm going to take you into the mind of lemming. I'm not just a poker player and journalist, but also a mind reader (almost got the Lottery spot if it wasn't for that fecking Meg bitch), so I was treated to the inner thoughts of 5 select lemmings who donated every last penny. But what drives them to suicide? Why were these their final moves? Read my case studies to find out. I have to say though, I'm still none the wiser.

Case Study #1: "Right, let's see, we've got the Big Slick, bit of pre-flop action. Ooh, A-Q-T Flop. Let's trap the bastard and check, if it goes wrong, I've still got the straight draw, which I have a 50-50 chance of hitting. Excellent, he's bet. Now let's attack and hope he sticks it in with his dodgy flush draw. Yeeeees, he's raised again. Right, all-in mi thinks, he's pretty much pot committed now with his crappy Ace. Hehe, marvellous. On their backs. No 3-outer please, peeps. Hold on, what's this, A-Q? Noooooo, he kept that quiet. Hey, this is is rigged, where in Super System does it advise me to consider what my opponent has? Oy, give me my money back, motherfucker, I had top pair! What a fucking cooler!!!"

Case Study #2: "Crap, I've only got 62 bucks left! What do I do? Oh, I know, let's call all-in with 9-5o and hope he has 9-4. Bollocks, he's got Tens. No, but wait, I can still hit if... oh shite, he's flopped a Ten. There's always a straight or a flu... nope, I'm done. Bye."

Case Study #3: "I have Kd-9s pre-flop. What would Phil Ivey do? Easy, he'd make a pointless out-of-position pre-flop minimum raise to $8. Now we have all the information we need to take this punk down. Let's see, 8d-5d-Kh Flop, top pair! Nice, he's called my bet. Turn 9d, awesome card, I have two pair, that's double what I had before. I don't care about the straight and flush possibilities, I haven't hit two pair for five whole minutes, and besides, two pair beats straights and flushes when the pot's bigger! I'm all-in! Damn, he has the straight. Fork. Stick. In. Me.

Case Study #4: "He's re-raised me pre-flop, my Threes must be good. What, it's like a billion to one that he has a bigger pair. All-in for $80! Bugger, Tens. I run so bad."

Case Study #5: "Hmm, 7s-6s-8h-4d board, I have 9c-8c, he called my wimpy bet on the Flop and then re-raised me on the Turn. Well, we can rule out the 5. I have to go all-in, I've virtually got the nuts. Oh poo, he did have the 5. Well, he certainly concealed that well, I put him on er... ahem... er... I really must feed the cat."

Long live the lemming, the greatest creature on Earth.

biggest pot won: $409.96
biggest pot lost: $214.40
time at the table: 1hr 38min

profit = $870.79
blonde poker account = $3,324.75
$1,673.25 to go before the tax man goes away

Days played = 9
total time played = 32 hrs 28 mins
current $ per hour = $62.36
current $ per day = $224.97